Sunday, June 7, 2009

What's beneath the surface?

Sometimes I wonder if I'm invisible or transparent and not in the way I'd want to be. Folks that see me or see one or two of my posts seem to form an opinion of me and what they think I am and what I actually am may not even be close. Often times it isn't. And then there's the stuff I've seen and heard when people for whatever reason fail to see me. I know what it feels like to be betrayed. And folks that have bothered to acknowledge me and tried to get to know me a bit wonder why I'm so drawn to Heroes' Claude Rains. the trouble is, I can't always control whether I'll be seen or not or if I am seen, I have no control over whether anyone will bother to look past the surface. If you are reading my blogs on any of the sites I regularly post to, chances are you are one of those few who has taken the time to at least try to see who and what I really am. I thank you for that even if you don't bother to read this entry any further.

Some who've seen me and read a post or two may write me off as nothing more than obsessed and shallow fangirl. There's more to me than that. While I don't deny that I am obsessed with Claude from Heroes, there is a good deal more to me beyond that. I draw. I write poetry. I like to photoshop but just for fun. I am working on learning multiple languages including a couple "dead" ones. I am an actual RN who works in geriatrics and hospice. I've been a nurse 13 years and for almost 12 years I have been at the same place. I've always liked sciences and biology in particular and I wanted to make a difference, so I became a nurse. I like Renaissance Faires and gaming. Despite also being a Trekkie or a Trekker, I don't live in my parent's basement. I live in a small 2 bedroom apartment by myself and I've been here for the last 10 years. I have not only been kissed but have had 2 real boyfriends (not at the same time) and sadly they were both really disappointing. While some might blame that on my being into sci-fi, I submit that it was through sci-fi and gaming that I met them in the first place. I further feel the need to add that some (not all) guys seem to look at nurses and think "Oh, she's a nurse; she'll take care of me," and then proceed to either treat the nurse as a carpet or a surrogate mom. I refuse to be walked on anymore and I find an Oedipal complex to be a big turn off.

I am something of an amateur Egyptologist. I do have a sense of humour and it's a bit odd. I like all different kinds of music. Like it says in my Blogger profile "eclectic." Any given day I might be listening to Iron Maiden or Beethoven, Duran Duran or Dvorak, Blueman Group or Bach, ELO or Rammstein, Movie/TV soundtracks or scores or Glen Miller. If I knew how, I'd have my own fan music vids up on my You Tube channel instead of just using it to comment and favorite videos that others have made and posted. I like videogames, though if I were in better shape I would probably run. I hope to be able to get in shape soon so I can be in one of those charity marathons, maybe a small one. I'm a bit overweight and working nights doesn't make losing weight easy, though getting off some of the meds I used to take helped a bit. I've had bronchitis approximately 13 times but hopefully, if I can become a bit thinner, like maybe 40-50 pounds lighter, my lungs will be able to handle running, though I'm not terribly fast. When I was a kid I could do hurdles and sprint fairly well. The kids' hurdles aren't bad but I'd probably knock the adult ones over, even if I were lighter because I'm clumsy. While I can draw, my handwriting is horrid. Some people tell me I should have been a doctor. I can sew and I make my own costumes. A few of those I wear to either Ren Faires or to sci-fi cons. I also used to LARP but have gotten away from that due to various factors.

I like to read, a lot. I like both Goth and tie dyed clothing. And yes, I really did accidentally hang myself from a tree when I was between the ages of 5 and 7, and both my mom and my next door neighbor had to help me get out of the knot, but I didn't pass out. I decided to borrow that for a few online RPG's I'm in including the parody blog. I have very weird and sometimes vivid dreams which I've posted on my ARG/360/Evolutions blog on Imeem as well as my real blogs on MySpace, MyNBC, Live Journal, and even some to my Facebook. If you have read those entries, you know that not all of them are good dreams, and some of them come true but in a symbolic rather than literal fashion (just watch a few episodes of Medium, as that is close to how some of my dreams go). I do read tarot cards but I try to limit my readings to RP settings, because even though I'm good, I have managed to scare folks in real life. I like dogs but I have an allergy to cats. Since I was a baby, my family has had a dog. We'd maybe not have one for a couple years in between after one passed away.

I keep my hair cut short because I like it that way, it's more practical and when I have tried to grow it out I wind up looking like Velma from the live action Scooby Doo movies. While that's great for costuming and Halloween, it's kind of a pain for the everyday. I work 40 or more hours per week, so most of my time is spent wearing scrubs. I also happen to be a bit of a pack rat and keep things that I don't wear as well as a ton of collectibles. I'm trying to be better about that. I'm not a terribly great housekeeper, and even if I keep stuff clean, things tend to get cluttered at home. If I'm alone, I tend not to really cook for myself. It seems like too much fuss for one and I hate the fact that a good deal of the time I manage to burn myself. I chose the nickname Tarot back when I joined 9th Wonders in late 2006 as I wanted a heroic sounding handle. Now I use it nearly everywhere on the net or some variant of it. And as you may have noticed, I'm a bit scatter brained. I do have ADD. What else do you want to know about the real me?

Now as for Burnt Toast Diner, as I said that is a mere caricature of me, as that is a parody blog. As for the Heroes ARG/360/Evolution interactive and any variant RP's where I am myself, I am pretty much the same person as in real life. The only changes are the fact that if it's a variant fanbased RP, my knowledge of events may be limited in comparison to what I know as a fan vs what I know "in Game." My "in Game" backstory, beyond my real history for any Heroes roleplay is that the Company found me back when I was 4 and tagged me with whatever they were using back in 1977. (I based that on a bad dream I had when I was 4). The Company let me go home with my parents and my history is pretty much what it really is until 1994. In 1994, I had a brief encounter with Claude, when he and Noah Bennet (HRG) wound up at my college looking for another special. I gave Claude a tarot reading and not only saw that he was not just a paper salesman, but also that he had a gift. I also tried (unsuccessfully) to warn him that his life would be in danger in 1999 and that Noah would betray him. In Game, I then had several night mares and dreams centered around Claude getting shot and where he went after. In Game I am looking for him and I still want to help him as I feel I owe him for failing him, among other motivational factors.

No comments: