One need only turn on the nightly news to see what a mess things are. I see it first hand nearly every night at work. I can't give specifics but what I can tell you is that I see mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, aunts, and uncles- upstanding members of society breakdown mentally, weep uncontrollably for a reasons they don't even know, and become otherwise demented and confused. While I am well aware that there are infections and diseases such as Alzheimer's that can cause and exacerbate these afflictions, I also know that science is seeking not only a cure but also the cause of these dementia diseases. The thought occurred to me this past evening that perhaps the state of the world might be an important factor. I also have to wonder if this is the fate that awaits all of us: that if our minds don't fail us our bodies will fall apart instead.
Make no mistake, I do love my patients. If I didn't I'd quit nursing. I wish I could do more to help them, but in this chaos, that seems to be so omnipresent of late, I have to wonder if anyone is truly sane.
So, one might wonder what keeps me from despairing at the seeming futility of it all, and what keeps me from chucking in the towel, and what keeps me persevering even in this adversity. Perhaps that should be who rather than what. The answer is Claude.
Maybe I'm crazy to hang my hopes on a fictional hero or to steer my ship by the light of an unseen star, but it's better than not doing anything at all. It's no more risky than hanging my hopes on a "real" guy, one who could be taken away in an instant, or turn from anchor to albatross or from ally to enemy in the time it takes to type and refine this entry. So let me dream and hope and I will do my best to keep going and to fix my own small isle of chaos in this insane world.
Some might wonder what I see when I look at Claude, provided he's not invisible. It's not just his beautiful face, though I will admit I do like to look it him (or perhaps stare at would be more accurate). I see a kindred spirit, another outsider. I see a man who could use someone who won't betray him, if not as a friend at least as an ally. I see someone whom I could and would trust. I see someone who won't sugarcoat things and tell me a load of malarkey to spare me a hard truth. I see someone I would be willing to lay down my life for. It's not that I want to die, I don't, but if it ever, in some bizarre set of circumstances were to come down to it being him or me, I'd gladly sacrifice myself to save Claude.
Some seek sunshine, I look for Rains.