Monday, June 29, 2009

Newest Dream (short one)

I was having trouble sleeping early this Monday morning. Most of the dreams I had were kind of boring save for one brief one. I saw this white wooden archway with the words "Claude's Return" painted on it in black lettering. I only saw it for like 30 seconds before I woke up. Although I did manage to sleep after that, I didn't see the archway (or Claude or any indication of his presence) in my dreams after that :(


Now that I've figured out how, here's my playlist (in case the sidebar one isn't loading right) These all came from here, where you can not only download the audio book but also read the stories.

Create a playlist at

Monday, June 22, 2009

Cool dream on my birthday

Well my latest dream, that I had this morning, was cool and not a nightmare smile.gif

I was watching either a sneak peak of Heroes season 4 or an episode. Peter Petrelli was walking along this city street that looked like New York. This suited bearded businessman walks by him with a nice briefcase and a cell phone. He looks a little like Claude and Peter has a brief flashback to meeting Claude but then he follows the man a few steps to get a better look and as the camera does a closeup on the businessman the audience can clearly see that this is not the man called Claude Rains. Peter stands for a moment, looking a bit dejected. Then you can hear Claude's theme music start playing and the camera pans around and Claude is standing a little bit behind Peter, wondering why Peter can't see him. Claude proceeds to follow Peter.

I remember thinking, "YAY!! Claude is back and he's ALIVE!!" and then suddenly I'm watching the scene play out again but this time as though I'm there and it's occurring around me though I am unseen and intangible. Then I woke up.

I dunno that it means anything but it was still pretty cool.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Hot 50 list

Found one these via Google alerts. Sadly I can't do 50. Just one:

#1 Christopher Eccleston

Looks hot all the time but this is my favorite look and role for him as Heroes Claude Rains.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Are any of us sane in this mad world?

One need only turn on the nightly news to see what a mess things are. I see it first hand nearly every night at work. I can't give specifics but what I can tell you is that I see mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, aunts, and uncles- upstanding members of society breakdown mentally, weep uncontrollably for a reasons they don't even know, and become otherwise demented and confused. While I am well aware that there are infections and diseases such as Alzheimer's that can cause and exacerbate these afflictions, I also know that science is seeking not only a cure but also the cause of these dementia diseases. The thought occurred to me this past evening that perhaps the state of the world might be an important factor. I also have to wonder if this is the fate that awaits all of us: that if our minds don't fail us our bodies will fall apart instead.

Make no mistake, I do love my patients. If I didn't I'd quit nursing. I wish I could do more to help them, but in this chaos, that seems to be so omnipresent of late, I have to wonder if anyone is truly sane.

So, one might wonder what keeps me from despairing at the seeming futility of it all, and what keeps me from chucking in the towel, and what keeps me persevering even in this adversity. Perhaps that should be
who rather than what. The answer is Claude.

Maybe I'm crazy to hang my hopes on a fictional hero or to steer my ship by the light of an unseen star, but it's better than not doing anything at all. It's no more risky than hanging my hopes on a "real" guy, one who could be taken away in an instant, or turn from anchor to albatross or from ally to enemy in the time it takes to type and refine this entry. So let me dream and hope and I will do my best to keep going and to fix my own small isle of chaos in this insane world.

Some might wonder what I see when I look at Claude, provided he's not invisible. It's not just his beautiful face, though I will admit I do like to look it him (or perhaps
stare at would be more accurate). I see a kindred spirit, another outsider. I see a man who could use someone who won't betray him, if not as a friend at least as an ally. I see someone whom I could and would trust. I see someone who won't sugarcoat things and tell me a load of malarkey to spare me a hard truth. I see someone I would be willing to lay down my life for. It's not that I want to die, I don't, but if it ever, in some bizarre set of circumstances were to come down to it being him or me, I'd gladly sacrifice myself to save Claude.

Some seek sunshine, I look for Rains.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

I need a break and I need to rant about something

I grew up with the slogan "Calgon, take me away!" and although it's been ages since I've taken a bubble bath and even longer since I used Calgon to do so, I find myself repeating this phrase more and more often of late. I usually relax in the shower, and at times will visualize all the stress and negative energy going away down the drain with the physical debris. Unfortunately, lately, even with that, I'm plagued by nightmares, even when I am allowed to rest and sleep. Often these nightmares involve my job. Those of you following me regularly know that I am an 11-7 RN in a geriatric and hospice setting. While I cannot give you the specifics of what stresses me out at my job, due to confidentiality, I can tell you that my job would be easier if my patients actually slept at night. Unfortunately, also, it doesn't seem to matter where you work in nursing as there will always be politics involved and not the voting/running for office kind either. The one bit of solace I have is that the nightmares I've been having involve highly unlikely occurrences, ones I am all too happy to awaken from. I've tried many tricks to wind down and relax when I get home, so that not only will I be able to sleep but also, when I do sleep, that my dreams will be pleasant or at the very least interesting. Wearing out my 1st (of 2) copies of Heroes Season 1 discs 4 & 5, while relaxing and entertaining is not , however, a guarantee that Claude Rains will appear in my dreams.

I will tell you of the most recent dream-that I am willing to share- I had involving Claude. It was complicated and I'm sure symbolic, but I have yet to work out what all of it is supposed to mean:

I was leaving work in the morning and there was this display in our facility's main dining room of Native American art including several Zuni Items. I didn't have time to look at everything as I was tired. On the way home I had to stop for gas and when I got to the gas station it was 8am. I go in to pay and suddenly it's 10:30PM. The other 12.5 hours are just gone and rather than worry about that, I went home to my apartment with this overwhelming sense of needing to be there. When I get there, my ex-roommate, who moved out over a year ago, was there. Claude was there too, but not only was he invisible but also ethereal- not a ghost as he was very much alive but he was certainly an astral being in this dream. I could sense his presence in this dream, see him with my mind's eye and occasionally see him out of the corner of my eye. These other astral beings showed up, trying to invade my apartment via my spare bedroom. The others looked very much like the soldiers Building 26 was sending out or as my friend Eric calls them "Dankoids." Claude had a staff with him and was fighting them off and doing a really bang up job, despite being outnumbered. My ex-roommate had the power to blast the intruders away but decided to stand around complaining rather than help, even saying things like I should move rather than fight and he even went so far as to tell me Claude was saying negative things about me. Claude, who was still fighting off the flood of intruders and not missing a swing, heard what my ex-roommate had said and, in addition to calling my ex-roommate's timing inappropriate, Claude also said that it was basically a load of jealous nonsense. The ghosts of 2 former pets showed up, Rocky a Pug and Teddy a Yorkshire Terrier. They tried to help by showing where the intruders were getting in but my ex-roommate was still being useless and talking trash. There was a large array of light bulbs in my spare bedroom, and somehow the light would drive the intruders out. It tried to turn it on, to help Claude, but some of the bulbs wouldn't light. I couldn't reach all the bulbs to replace or tighten them and get the array up to full brightness. My ex-roommate could reach all the bulbs with ease but refused to help. I then did the only other thing I could think to do in the dream and I invoked the Army of Anubis (see The Mummy Returns). The Anubis Warriors showed up and expelled the remaining intruders. Claude was happy for the break and impressed but my ex-roommate was annoyed. I woke up.

As I said, I'm not sure what all of it is supposed to mean. I do know that Sparrow Redhouse is Zuni. I was happy to see Claude, even if he was ethereal. I can tell you that Rocky was my brother's dog and we lost him back in June 2008. Teddy was my family's dog and he died back in 1998. As I said, my ex-roommate moved out some time ago, early May 2008, and it wasn't a pleasant parting. Most of the last year we argued. There was a lot I felt he could and should do but didn't. About the one thing thing I can glean from this dream and my other recent and less pleasant nightmares is that I really need a break. While I very much know what reality is, I do like to "escape" into the Heroesverse when I can. I am also aware that there are other people with problems and a good deal of them worse than what I deal with, but I have learned that if I don't speak up about things bothering me or "let it out" all that stress and resentment will turn inwards and destroy me. I refuse to go that route ever again. So, I'm speaking up, even if no one is listening or reading. Putting it all down into words helps. And that brings me to my rant.

The rant is bout the fact that I keep running across people in fandom both in RP and fanfic not characterizing Claude correctly, and I'm not referring to the parody stuff either. Granted, while none of this stuff I've found is canon, and the actual canon writers have thus far done a smashing job (and hats of to Oliver Grigsby for his recent contribution), the fan created tripe I seem to keep finding really bothers me.

The least offensive wrongness wound up being basically an invisible Dr. Greg House that looked like Claude, and the worst a shameless totally out of character "pr0nfest," or smut for those of you unfamiliar with the term. While the het vs slash is an entirely separate matter which I've discussed elsewhere, I do find it ludicrously out of character that some keep pairing up Claude with Bennet post betrayal. Suspending for a moment whether or not Claude and HRG may have been friends or something else prior to HRG shooting Claude, I'd like to put forth the concept that at present Claude is broken and paranoid and has an empathy towards other specials. That said, it doesn't matter what the canonical pre-betrayal relationship was, for Claude to even trust Bennet now or worse yet get "cozy" with him is preposterous. I myself was betrayed by a former boyfriend (and this was not the one in the recent dream). I almost died as a result of that. I never want to have to deal with that man again and I really don't believe, based on all that we've seen canonically, that Claude would be any more forgiving than I, not to mention that HRG is not a special, nor has he shown Claude any reason that he would protect any specials other than Claire. And when HRG shot Claude, Claude had every reason to suspect that HRG would betray Claire as well. As I said, it's all fan created stuff that is out of character and upsetting. Lately I've even found this junk on Twitter!

Granted there is a lot we don't know about Claude but as he's my favorite character in any setting, I can tell when he is being written or played properly and it really bothers me when people get him so very wrong. So I had to sound off about it. Not to mention that this nonsense is giving me nightmares. I challenge these fans to do a better and a proper job or at least a competent one. One fan writer I wrote to, told me she's never watched Heroes! How can one expect to write properly if one has not even watched the characters he or she is writing about?!? Writing and playing Claude requires far more than pretty graphics and snark. I know it can be done, and I'm not referring to what I have done. Some of that is pure AU mental floss and I freely admit that. What I'm talking about is sdlaw (Eric) on HeroesARG and died_in_odessa on Live Journal just to name a few of the stellar examples in fandom.

As I said it's the fan created bad stuff that bothers me. The only errors regarding Claude that I've seen in canon were amusing and minor rather than anything else. The first being Flint saying that an invisible man had captured him in Texas when Claude was hiding in NYC at the time. I'd chalked that up to Flint not being terribly bright and someone else bagging him possibly with TK. As for the graphic novels, the problems are fairly minor; one colorist made Claude's hair too dark and another gave him brown rather than blue eyes, and one artist didn't draw him terribly well. This is another place where I have seen things done right and I will give due credit: I liked Michael Gaydos' work, Annette Kwok's coloring is awesome, and Jason Badower is just absolutely fantastic. I don't think I can do Jason's work justice in words. So while I do have canon stuff to both watch and read, some of you may wonder why the fan generated stuff bothers me so. As I said, some of it gives me nightmares, ones bad enough that I wish the Haitian was a real guy and aound erase them, but beyond that I'd like a few reliable sources for good fic and RP until Claude reappears in canon. I'm hoping that if he doesn't do so onscreen that he is at least featured in a multi-part graphic novel. As I said, when something really bothers me, I have to do or say something, and now I have.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

What's beneath the surface?

Sometimes I wonder if I'm invisible or transparent and not in the way I'd want to be. Folks that see me or see one or two of my posts seem to form an opinion of me and what they think I am and what I actually am may not even be close. Often times it isn't. And then there's the stuff I've seen and heard when people for whatever reason fail to see me. I know what it feels like to be betrayed. And folks that have bothered to acknowledge me and tried to get to know me a bit wonder why I'm so drawn to Heroes' Claude Rains. the trouble is, I can't always control whether I'll be seen or not or if I am seen, I have no control over whether anyone will bother to look past the surface. If you are reading my blogs on any of the sites I regularly post to, chances are you are one of those few who has taken the time to at least try to see who and what I really am. I thank you for that even if you don't bother to read this entry any further.

Some who've seen me and read a post or two may write me off as nothing more than obsessed and shallow fangirl. There's more to me than that. While I don't deny that I am obsessed with Claude from Heroes, there is a good deal more to me beyond that. I draw. I write poetry. I like to photoshop but just for fun. I am working on learning multiple languages including a couple "dead" ones. I am an actual RN who works in geriatrics and hospice. I've been a nurse 13 years and for almost 12 years I have been at the same place. I've always liked sciences and biology in particular and I wanted to make a difference, so I became a nurse. I like Renaissance Faires and gaming. Despite also being a Trekkie or a Trekker, I don't live in my parent's basement. I live in a small 2 bedroom apartment by myself and I've been here for the last 10 years. I have not only been kissed but have had 2 real boyfriends (not at the same time) and sadly they were both really disappointing. While some might blame that on my being into sci-fi, I submit that it was through sci-fi and gaming that I met them in the first place. I further feel the need to add that some (not all) guys seem to look at nurses and think "Oh, she's a nurse; she'll take care of me," and then proceed to either treat the nurse as a carpet or a surrogate mom. I refuse to be walked on anymore and I find an Oedipal complex to be a big turn off.

I am something of an amateur Egyptologist. I do have a sense of humour and it's a bit odd. I like all different kinds of music. Like it says in my Blogger profile "eclectic." Any given day I might be listening to Iron Maiden or Beethoven, Duran Duran or Dvorak, Blueman Group or Bach, ELO or Rammstein, Movie/TV soundtracks or scores or Glen Miller. If I knew how, I'd have my own fan music vids up on my You Tube channel instead of just using it to comment and favorite videos that others have made and posted. I like videogames, though if I were in better shape I would probably run. I hope to be able to get in shape soon so I can be in one of those charity marathons, maybe a small one. I'm a bit overweight and working nights doesn't make losing weight easy, though getting off some of the meds I used to take helped a bit. I've had bronchitis approximately 13 times but hopefully, if I can become a bit thinner, like maybe 40-50 pounds lighter, my lungs will be able to handle running, though I'm not terribly fast. When I was a kid I could do hurdles and sprint fairly well. The kids' hurdles aren't bad but I'd probably knock the adult ones over, even if I were lighter because I'm clumsy. While I can draw, my handwriting is horrid. Some people tell me I should have been a doctor. I can sew and I make my own costumes. A few of those I wear to either Ren Faires or to sci-fi cons. I also used to LARP but have gotten away from that due to various factors.

I like to read, a lot. I like both Goth and tie dyed clothing. And yes, I really did accidentally hang myself from a tree when I was between the ages of 5 and 7, and both my mom and my next door neighbor had to help me get out of the knot, but I didn't pass out. I decided to borrow that for a few online RPG's I'm in including the parody blog. I have very weird and sometimes vivid dreams which I've posted on my ARG/360/Evolutions blog on Imeem as well as my real blogs on MySpace, MyNBC, Live Journal, and even some to my Facebook. If you have read those entries, you know that not all of them are good dreams, and some of them come true but in a symbolic rather than literal fashion (just watch a few episodes of Medium, as that is close to how some of my dreams go). I do read tarot cards but I try to limit my readings to RP settings, because even though I'm good, I have managed to scare folks in real life. I like dogs but I have an allergy to cats. Since I was a baby, my family has had a dog. We'd maybe not have one for a couple years in between after one passed away.

I keep my hair cut short because I like it that way, it's more practical and when I have tried to grow it out I wind up looking like Velma from the live action Scooby Doo movies. While that's great for costuming and Halloween, it's kind of a pain for the everyday. I work 40 or more hours per week, so most of my time is spent wearing scrubs. I also happen to be a bit of a pack rat and keep things that I don't wear as well as a ton of collectibles. I'm trying to be better about that. I'm not a terribly great housekeeper, and even if I keep stuff clean, things tend to get cluttered at home. If I'm alone, I tend not to really cook for myself. It seems like too much fuss for one and I hate the fact that a good deal of the time I manage to burn myself. I chose the nickname Tarot back when I joined 9th Wonders in late 2006 as I wanted a heroic sounding handle. Now I use it nearly everywhere on the net or some variant of it. And as you may have noticed, I'm a bit scatter brained. I do have ADD. What else do you want to know about the real me?

Now as for Burnt Toast Diner, as I said that is a mere caricature of me, as that is a parody blog. As for the Heroes ARG/360/Evolution interactive and any variant RP's where I am myself, I am pretty much the same person as in real life. The only changes are the fact that if it's a variant fanbased RP, my knowledge of events may be limited in comparison to what I know as a fan vs what I know "in Game." My "in Game" backstory, beyond my real history for any Heroes roleplay is that the Company found me back when I was 4 and tagged me with whatever they were using back in 1977. (I based that on a bad dream I had when I was 4). The Company let me go home with my parents and my history is pretty much what it really is until 1994. In 1994, I had a brief encounter with Claude, when he and Noah Bennet (HRG) wound up at my college looking for another special. I gave Claude a tarot reading and not only saw that he was not just a paper salesman, but also that he had a gift. I also tried (unsuccessfully) to warn him that his life would be in danger in 1999 and that Noah would betray him. In Game, I then had several night mares and dreams centered around Claude getting shot and where he went after. In Game I am looking for him and I still want to help him as I feel I owe him for failing him, among other motivational factors.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

GN 138 in video format

AWESOME in any format

Blog on GN 139

Possible spoilers for Heroes. If you haven't read up through and including GN 139, I suggest you go here and do so now.

The Rebel story arc continues (YAY!) and while we are left wondering as to what happened to Lee and Claude after the last GN (hopefully they are both safe) this current chapter deals with Micah and his newly formed team with Abigail, West, and Sparrow trying to locate Micah's family. While Micah infiltrates the computers and security systems of Building 26, the intrepid trio infiltrate Building 26 itself, running into Peter Petrelli and Matt Parkman along the way. While they free and escape with Great Aunt Nana and Damon, Monica is still MIA. Micah is narrating the piece and keeps referring to a sacrifice. Is he referring to Matt and Peter not being in on the rescue and Matt getting caught or did something else go wrong? The last image we see is the familiar haunting text of "To be continued" captioning what looks like Micah in the cross hairs of a sniper scope, though the weapon could be packing tranquilizer darts as my friend Frank pointed out. Nice cliffhanger. I am hoping we will also find out next issue where Monica is being held (nice Super Mario Bros. reference too). While Building 26 seems to be the main holding facility, I have to wonder where the other facilities might be. In GN 138, Micah had mentioned operations in Tokyo, Melbourne, and London, but it is unknown if any of these had holding facilities like Building 26. Given that Hiro was taken stateside, I don't think Tokyo is a likely place for an alternate holding facility.

Jason Badower's art and Oliver Grigsby's writing are fantastic to put it mildly. I sincerely hope they get to team up on more GN's in the future. While this summer will be an abbreviated run compared to the every week GN's we were used to getting, if the Arc continues to be this good, it is well worth the wait. I know a couple fans had voiced complaints this issue over Abigail's and Sparrow's wardrobe but I for one like it and if I looked like or even half as good as either of those ladies I'd dress that way too!

I am very much enjoying this Rebel arc and had been interested even before Claude made his all too brief materialization last issue (you can never have too much Claude). I am hoping to see him again (or at least know he's safe) before this arc concludes. (And Claude is welcome to hide with me any time) Also, I think I should point out that via the ARG/360/Evolutions interactive I had taken the time to email and text "Micah" about Claude (and ironically also about Abigail and Lee as well) back when "Micah" gave us back access to the map and asked that we fill him in on specials in danger.

Monday, June 1, 2009

Can anyone explain this to me?

Those of you following any of my blogs are aware that I am a night nurse. If you weren't, you are now. Here's what I don't understand: Why is it that so may people will demand 24 hour nursing care and yet they won't allow the nurses to sleep during the day so that they can adequately give their patients proper care on the "off" shifts. Not everyone works 9-5 but most people need a good 8 hours sleep regardless of when they work. So why is it that so many seem to think that those of us on the "Graveyard" shifts are some kind of vampires or something, that we can just nap for an hour and we're OK to function? Seriously, it bugs me. I myself have never had an easy time falling asleep and as I have gotten older I find not only do I still have a hard time going to sleep but also I really need a minimum of 8 hours uninterrupted sleep, and if that 8 hours or my sleep schedule is severely interfered with I will get migraines, bad migraines. Is it any wonder I get upset when people show up and disturb my rest, especially if it's for non essential nonsense? Where is the logic? Were I being disturbed for emergencies that would be different. I wouldn't be happy about it but I would understand that I was needed somewhere. But that is not what I get bothered for. It's people calling or knocking on my door for nonsense, or to complain about someone else whom I have no control over. I submit these callers should call the person they have the problem with and leave me be. As it is, I have had to take my home phone off the hook when I sleep because of this though I do keep my mobile phone on for emergencies. I also don't get why it is that when I worked 3-11 everyone would try to deliver stuff at 5pm and now they show up at 2pm, or the fact that the rental company where I live would do the lawn mowing/vacuuming etc 1st thing in the morning when I worked 3-11 when I was asleep and now that I work 11-7 they do it mid afternoon/ early evening when I am asleep. Can anyone explain this to me?